but this is how it is.
i remember a few church services ago the pastor was talking about things in our lives that are burdensome. things that make us tired. that require a lot of energy. she talked about relationships. and i automatically assumed she meant
romantic relationships because what kind of
friendships would be burdensome to a person? how could spending time with someone be more tiring and draining than worth being worn out from having that much fun. but i get what she was talking about now.
the pastor told us to write down things that wore us down. and i put school. work. and volunteering. people in my life would cheer me up. they strengthened me when i needed it. and likewise i was hoping that i would play that same part in their lives.
but this relationship is tiring. to the point where i don't know what's the point of it. one minute we're fine. we're staying up late watching movies. or we're laughing over dinner. or we're texting throughout the entire spring break. everyday. but the next minute you're telling me that this friendship isn't worth it. basically youre saying that
i'm not worth it. that the effort required to be my friend (which apparently is a lot) is not worth putting forth. that i'm more trouble than anything else in your life. i know youre emotional. but i really can't stay on this roller coaster for much longer. there's no stability.
things aren't the way they used to be. so much has changed since then. feelings were shared. pride was hurt. and trust was broken. in an attempt to rebuild things back to how they were, somehow we got lost along the way. i think it's really hard to turn everything around and just be these amazing friends that we
say we want to be. our expectations for each other misalign. and this is a major cause in this rift thats starting to separate us. theres more to it than this. so much more but i dont know what. or why. i can't explain anything. and for the most part i'm at a loss for words. i don't know what to say. or what to do. because every time i feel like i've patched us back together. the
same seams start to unravel again. the flickering hope was short lived. we fight about the same things. even though we were attempting to head in the right direction. apparently we're not being fully honest with each other.
you say youre done. and i'm sure youve cried enough over me. and i
promised my friend that i would never break down over you again. so should we call it quits? is that what's best for us? are we hindering each other from reaching our full potential this quarter, summer, and so on? i have no idea. i don't know what i want.
the only thing i'm sure of is that i'm
tired. and in dire need of rest. i lay this at
Your feet.
"God, give me
grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the
Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other."
and here i am. in the office. by myself. eating homemade brownies that nick's mom made. blogging about my emo and overly dramatic life. yay to my last quarter at uci. haha. SPOP tomorrow! 0_o
i want a slr. buy me one.
class 9:30-11am. lunch with ji. work 2-4pm. meeting 5-7pm. work 8-11pm.
thanks for sending this picture to me mom [:
