yeah. there's a lot on my mind right now. so this might be a really long post. so you have two choices. run away now and not read anything and just enjoy my beautiful picture of the rain or you can grab a cup of warm hot chocolate and attempt to figure out just exactly what goes on in this small brain of mine. because i honestly have no idea. this is just rambling. so don't say that i didnt warn you. first off. i just came back from the mission report for kcm. it was really nice to hear about people's testimonies when they were serving overseas. and secondly it really opened up my eyes to religion outside of my little bubble that i live in. one of the speakers shared about how in China their churches were growing quicker than the ones here. why? because they can't necessarily spread Christianity. it's illegal to evangelize but you are allowed to practice your faith. at first i didnt make a big deal of it. ive heard this all before. but as i continued to think about it the more i realized just how privileged i am to be here where i am now. typing what i want. about God. about anything that i can think up. the people in china can't even do that. the missionaries can't talk about God without using codewords without risk of being thrown in jail. the speaker said we should be praying for our churches instead of theirs because they realize that religion is something that is sacred. that christianity and GOD is something not to just take for granted. i pray that more people in the United States will really think about just how lucky they are in terms of practicing their faith. i'm glad that i have the ability to share about my beliefs however i want. without fear that the government could be tracking me. thank you God. i don't know if You will call me to serve as a missionary, long or short term, but i have the faith to follow you. i will go wherever you call me to.
another thing. i'm sorry. i know that you'll never read this post. but i'm sorry. i feel that my insecurities about myself is whats hindering me from fully understanding everything. i don't think i've ever met someone that has cared about me so much yet doesnt even know me. i think that's the base of a lot of the interest. usually people are after something. maybe you are too. but for now i'm really just enjoying getting to know you better as a person. i think that i really am messed up on the inside. like really messed up. but i feel like throughout everything that i might actually find myself. that all the insecurities will be filled by something else instead of filling it with other people's short lived affection. someday. someday i'll be a grownup. and i'll think of other people over myself. kind of ironic how i always feel like i put other people's needs before mine. how i'm so empathetic. but i know myself better. i do care about people. but i also care for myself through those people too.
and lastly. i'm pretty glad that i went to retreat. i ran into jonathan and aaron on different occasions and struck up a short conversation with them. aaron even walked me down to the bsc where i had to do mail even though he lived in the opposite direction. i didnt recognize jonathan at first because he was wearing a beanie. but i talked with him for a few minutes before he went off to class. the freshman really amaze me. this freshman class is really going to be something special. i pray that they'll continue to have the right heart. they're so friendly and i hope to get to know them so much better.
told you it was a lot of nothingness. but i hope you got something out of it. and to future jason. i hope you feel warmth from this.